After reading this issue's Fervid Words, and the recent exposure that has been spotlighting pornography on the web, I have decided to give porn a chance.

To give you a bit of background, I am not a fan of porn. This can be attributed to many factors, I suppose: the way I was raised, the fact that roughly 70% of my closest friends have always been women, that I have always been more of a "romantic" type, that my grandfather was killed by a crack-addicted porn star dressed up in a skimpy Nazi costume... It really could be anything; conditioning and the sub-conscious both weave such monstrously intricate webs.

I do have many political aversions to pornography as well; the objectification of women for a start. Having grown up in Los Angeles, not far from Burbank and North Hollywood (the porn capitals of the west coast), I have seen my fair share of friends get into it for the quick buck. From their perspectives, it was they who were taking advantage of the situation, as they were getting paid pretty well for doing something that they both enjoyed and, being in their rebellious stage, made them feel more independent. Though most of them now regret it as adults, I can't fault their logic at the time. However, as they were all between the ages of 15 and 17, I can fault the motives of the "producers" of the films. As well as how they basically con the women into thinking it is their decision. But whatever, provided they aren't kidnapping women off the streets, raping them on camera, and then selling the image of a woman being raped to be a new fantasy for the depraved fuck-os of society, I really don't have a problem with your film, I just don't want to see it.

At any rate, my exposure to porn has been, obviously, rather minimal. I have seen ten minutes of a porn film in college (Debbie Does Dallas was playing in someone's dorm room), a few issues of Playboy, softcore porn on Cinemax late nights while in Jr. High, and been dragged on three occasions in my life to strip bars: the first when I was well past 23, the last two in the same weekend while accompanying a friend who was on a mission to find a stripper he had "met" before (both nights he paid for the booze). I am now 27, and still have little interest in pornography; from my perspective, it's watching a couple (or a few) people having what seems like a fun (or painful) time, while I'm still sitting home alone. The allure and purpose of this eludes me.

However, having befriended a few people in the industry recently (most are clerks in "toy" shops, though a couple are actually, er, "active participants"), and having had several conversations on the subject, many of my objections to pornography have been challenged in recent months.

So, in the interest of science, and because we didn't really have any features this month, I decided to conduct a little experiment. I decided that I would, in the course of two hours, drink six beers and "expose myself" to internet porn. Since it is only over the course of two hours, I decided to break it up by beers (for this experiment, we are using Fire Station 5 "Steam Pumper" IPA, which is quite tasty and somewhat fitting):

Beer 1: I have finished off the first of the beer and have slowly begun researching where to go. After seeking guidance and being treated rather rudely in a few chatrooms (thank you very much, Home and Gardens' forum patrons), I was eventually turned on to something called the "elephant list". After being horrified by that site, I get wrapped up in a conversation on a web board about the new Cat Power. I already know I am headed in the wrong direction if some pornin' is going to be accomplished tonight.

Beer 2: A slight buzz is forming in the front of my forehead, which sets a better tone for the evening. I am still red, but the embarassment part is wearing off and is slowly being replaced by that alcoholic's red that comes strongest from quick drinking. I am also a little less squeemish, and start checking out some of the more soft-core sites like Suicide Girls, Playboy on-line, and the Fox News web page.

Beer 3: Wow, do I feel pretty! A couple drinks, some girl moaning about how good and big I am (from a first person camera perspective, no less), a nervous noise complaint from my roommate's boyfriend... The night has grown rather interesting.

Beer 4: I didn't know you could do that with a cucumber. Also it occurs to me that if you WERE going to masturbate to internet porn, wouldn't it be hard to navigate? Maybe they could make a mouse that you operate with your tongue.

Beer 5: I'm now back at that elephant place and it ain't gonna scare me off again--Mom?!?! Oh, no wait, that's Celine Dion. Not sure which is worse...

Beer 6: At this point the night became too blurry to continue typing. I do recall falling out of my chair a couple of times, some jpegs involving a pope's hat, and swimming in a gigantic cup of delicious Jell-O pudding. Oh, and this one incident from my now fed up roommate (her boyfriend apparently was too pissed to come downstairs again):

My Roommate (woken up by my drunken stumbling): Are you STILL looking at porn?
Me: That thing is HUGE!
My Roommate: That's the heating duct.
Me: That's what I'm saying...

So what is the result of this little experiment? Well, I am DEFINITELY buying that beer again. I had little-to-no hangover this morning, and it only took the one six pack to get me well beyond the happy stage. Plus it had a relatively full flavor, wasn't too carbonated, and is relatively cheap. As for porn, specifically internet porn, I learned a great deal about defying gravity, creative uses for vegetation, and the real meaning of puppy love. And though my night was made more entertaining by women who, likely, have difficulty sitting today, porn has not yet won over this consumer, who would still rather watch reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or perhaps actually go out and interact with real women who, hopefully, are perfectly comfortable sitting on the bar stools.